Yizkor—is it dead and buried?

The saying of Yizkor, apart from Yom Kippur (which is mentioned in the Medrash Tanchuma), is a more recent custom. It became part of the Ashkenazi liturgy probably during the time of the crusades in the 1400’s. The Rabbis specifically instituted it to be (outside of Israel) on the second day of Yom Tov. Why not the first day of Yom Tov? Clearly it was felt that by setting it the second day, this would encourage those who were vacillating about whether to attend the service on the second day to do so. Of course, Reform (who like to consider themselves and call themselves) progressive, just dismiss the second day of Yom Tov and banish it to an ordinary day no different in “holiness” to a non-Jewish ordinary day.

There is no requirement to say Yizkor with a minyan of ten males (or females I guess if you are Reformed). We don’t say Kaddish at Yizkor. It is a moment of vocal and silent contemplation during which one lists those who are to be remembered in one’s family and give charity in their merit.

There has always been a disagreement as to whether someone whose parents are alive leaves the Shule during Yizkor. Our family Minhag (like many) is to never stay inside during Yizkor if one’s parent(s) are alive.

During the first year of mourning after a parent, there are also divergent customs. Some say that the mourner stays inside for Yizkor but remains silent, whilst others leave the Shule until Yizkor has concluded and then re-enter (our Minhag)

Over time, special extra Yizkor prayers were added for those who were murdered during tragedies such as the Holocaust.

Jews of Sephardi origin never had the custom to say Yizkor, except on Yom Kippur. They were less influenced by their neighbours and I surmise their Rabbis didn’t need to insert Yizkor in order to cajole them to come to a Jewish service. They came anyway.

In truth, the first Yizkor (after my father ע’’ה) was on Pesach this year. I was planning to attend Elwood Shule, however, I was asked to make up a minyan (and be the sole Cohen for the priestly blessings) for someone who was too ill to attend Shule, and I said Yizkor in his house. My second Yizkor, the first in a formal Shule, was to be Shavuos, and I was planning on attending Elwood Shule again (my father’s Shule). However, I have bouts of plantar fasciitis which occasionally flair up, and had been at the Orthotist on Erev Shavuos because it had caused me pain. I went to Yeshivah Shule, which is closer, as a result. I stood there, while the Shule was engulfed in silence, each person uttering their personal Yizkors. My father used to daven there in the evenings, and had a seat there as well as Elwood.

Strangely, I was not moved. I had been more engrossed in refamiliarising myself with Megillas  Ruth!

I (over) think about my father regularly, either with tears, memories or laughter. For some reason, I could not focus at that ordained moment to make it especially meaningful.

One of my sisters undertook the very long walk to Elwood Shule specifically for this reason and came away quite sad. She mentioned that the Shule was morgue-like, with barely anyone in the women’s gallery and the same few familiar faces in the men’s gallery. She commented that Rabbi Gutnick had spoken well, but that looking at the Shule, she couldn’t get over a feeling of gross cavernous emptiness. It suited her mood though, and her Yizkor wasn’t mine. There is a custom to say Yizkor at the Shule where a parent used to pray.

These days most Jews don’t come to Shule on the first day of Yom Tov. You’d be lucky if they even said Kaddish on the day of the Yohr Tzeit. Perhaps they light a candle at home, I don’t know. Ironically, they went to Jewish Schools, and know what’s required. They aren’t complete ignoramuses. They are caught up in new-age Hedonism or “Tikun Olam”.

Even Yizkor seems to have lost its attraction to a generation that had and has no trouble accepting a financial inheritance, but plenty of trouble making time in a day to attend Shule and say a prayer like their parents, for their parent(s). Perhaps I’m over-harsh. It’s not the first time my blatant honesty has been interpreted as harshness and even offence. That’s just too bad. I call it as I see it. Word games are for U.N. Diplomats. They achieve nothing. Oslo accords anyone?

It’s so very sad but remembering is part of a much bigger picture. That picture has now been dumbed down and recreated in the image of modern fun events. Kids seem to come to Shule on the first day when you offer them ice cream. Great. Perhaps the second day should be “Whisky day” for the adults? It’s all very nice, but it isn’t Jewish Identity unless it leads somewhere. There can be no Jewish Identity without solid authentic Jewish Education, and I do not include the University style study of History, Poetry or the Arts in that category. Yep, you heard me right.

If you dumb Judaism down, reduce it to clichés or the spiritual, and over focus on the experiential and don’t achieve follow-up there is nothing to hold the house up in the future. That’s my view. Take it or leave it. If you are offended by my observation, do try to focus on the fact that my intention is always to call a spade a spade; and yes, some are offended by that. מה אפשר לעשות.

Misreading situations and Halacha

I don’t speak for the Yeshivah Shule. I was there on Shabbos and noticed that Zephania Waks got an Aliya. I innocently asked if he had a Simcha, and he replied that the Shule (one assumes the main shabbos minyan) doesn’t give him Aliyas for Simchos. He then proffered that he had Yohr Tzeit that evening. I asked for whom, and he responded for his father. I wished him long life and reminded him that my father’s matzeva was being consecrated tomorrow as per an email I had sent him. Zephania claimed he gets lots of email and probably missed it. Ironically, he liked my father very much and used to come up especially and say how much my father reminded him of his own father.

Zephania then grumbled that an Aliya wasn’t enough and that he should have received Maftir. Well, according to the Ramo I was also entitled to Maftir (each week) as an Avel, but I never seek it out. Furthermore I wouldn’t dream of imposing this on any Minyan. That’s not my brand of frumkeit.

Ironically, the Shule was rather barren. There were chiyuvim everywhere and I counted three separate layings apart from the kollel minyan, mesivta minyan, and Sefardi minyan.

Any Shule has to make difficult decisions in such circumstances, and are entitled to. In this instance, I fully understand why the person who got Maftir in the MAIN Shule did so.

  1. His father also had Yohr Tzeit and his father had a closer connection with the institution as one of their klei kodesh
  2. He was ALSO in the middle of shloshim after his mother, and
  3. It could be argued that this chiyuv and their  amily were more closely aligned with the Shule than Zephania.

Now, Zephania is clearly under some strain, but he COULD have attempted to get Maftir elsewhere. I would have lained it for him upon request (although I think breaking up minyanim like this is contraindicated). I even remember Rabbi Groner being unwilling to disturb a Simcha with his chiyuvim my organizing layning in a side room.

Maybe it’s time to take stock and stop throwing stones when there are perfectly acceptable approaches which will bring Nachas Ruach to the Niftar.

Certainly Zephania has managed to make enemies for himself. Sometimes it is unfair, other times its just poor judgement and akshonus which is his downfall.

I know of some critically good things that Zephania does; I just wish he’d choose his fights with more acumen. Sometimes he unnecessarily becomes his own worst enemy.